Wednesday, February 25
Scared
I'm so very scared.
I want to write about someone, but I'm pretty sure that she now reads this blog. Why did I give her the address? I don't know, I really don't.
I want to write reams and reams about her, and about me, and about whether there could possibly be anything happening between us. I'm scared, however, of her reading it here before I manage to say anything to her in the real world. I'm such a fuck-up. Why can't I ever manage to say something at all worthwhile or meaningful in the real world to her? I piss myself off all the time in those situations.
I want to write about her, but I really don't want her to think that I'm fucked up or weird or obsessional or shit like that. I like her, that's all. Is that so bad, or something to be ashamed of? And yet I find it so hard to say that to her.
And now she has told me that she has just broken up with her boyfriend. Do I leave it, let her cool off or what? Do I go straight there and offer a shoulder to lean on? Fuck it, I'm such a fuck-up at the moment. I even managed to miss her call on Saturday night at 3am, wanting to come to the house party we had here. Fuck's sake. I know I was drunk, but even then I usually manage to answer my phone.
But then, what would I have said to her once she arrived? I was very drunk, and blatantly would have embarrassed myself in some fucked-up way. I do that a lot when drunk. My mouth runs away with me, and I become a blabbering idiot. Especially around women that I like. Especially.
Do I reckon that she's going to read this before I see her tomorrow? Meh, no idea. She might do, she might not. I'll tell by the look on her face as soon as she enters the room.
I'm not weird, I promise. Just a little bit, erm, obscure. I don't know, ring me or something. I'm too shy / fucked-up to pluck up the courage to ring you.