Tuesday, November 25
First Things First
The following is from an email I received on Friday from my lovely friend Sophie. It's very funny. No, really.
Q. My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A. Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you, he can only settle for the next best thing: your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.
Q. My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A. Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him it totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day. Then cook him a nice meal.
Q. My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A. This is perfectly natural behaviour and should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess amongst other men. A night out chasing young girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (It's a great time to clean the house too!). Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.
Q. My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A. Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself whilst doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.
Q. My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A. You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time-consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.
Q. My husband always has an orgasm, then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A. I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
I like chauvinism.