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Tuesday, October 12


Eng: Damn it!

OK, so I was going to write a whole load of material here tonight, but unfortunately the promise of alcohol and a night out has forced my plans to alter somewhat. It's a hard life, I know.

I am going to write something, though, because I promised I would. I think I'm going to write about my friends, because that's what sprung to mind as I was sitting on the bus earlier today.

More specifically, the gender-specific make-up of my friends, and the nickname with which I have been lumbered during my time in Germany.

I've always had a lot of female friends, for as long as I can remember. I have plenty of male mates too, but I seem to have many more female friends than many of the guys I hang out with. I was absolutely flabbergasted when my housemates told me last year that they barely had any female friends. Of course they had girlfriends, but seemingly none of them claimed to have any 'normal' female friends.

There was no reason, I guess it's just the way things worked out for them. For me, however, I couldn't cope without my friends, both female and male. My closest friend back in London is female, as are a high percentage of my closest friends from back in Melksham. For me, they're just friends. I never think of them as girls / guys, they're just my good friends.

This has been the same since I've been in Heidelberg. I've got a big group of friends, with whom I do so much (yes, mostly involving drinking. Some things never change), and it's probably more girls than it is guys. Of course, some people would thus claim that us guys are hanging on to them, and not really wanted, but I assure that this is not how it is.

Here is where I have a sudden worrying thought about the talk behind my back. Do they really like me? Yeah, of course they do.

Which brings me nicely onto the subject of the nickname which I have been given / forced to adopt. A few weeks into our language course, we were all out having lunch at the student union and one of the girls brought up the subject of which guys were considered "safe".

"Safe" in that the girls amongst our group could talk to without fear of being accused of being after them. The reason that they'd had this discussion the night before is that some of them were having such accusations pointed at them, due to conversations they'd had with random guys / other guys on our course.

Unfortunately, just two names came up. Jamie, and myself. The reason they'd picked Jamie is because he has a long-term girlfriend, and is simply not interested in cheating on her at all. His wall in his room has many, many pictures of her.

Which leaves me. And the glorious reasoning they used for my inclusion on the list.

And believe me, the nickname gets worse. Much worse.

The reason for my inherent non-threatening nature that allows girls to talk to me without repurcussions? That would be because, according to my female friends, I'm asexual. As in without sex.

Cheers girl, way to make a guy feel good about himself.

I took it in good humour (I didn't have any other choice, to be honest), and unfortunately the nickname has stuck. Meh, you can't control this kind of thing, no matter how much you may want to. These things tend to run and run.

It got worse though, much worse.

We all went to a town called Freiburg a few weeks back, just for something to do on a Sunday. Sundays are fucking shite here in Germany. Everything closes down for the day, save for cafes, pubs and restaurants. EVERYTHING else is shut! For lack of something to do in Heidelberg, we went to Freiburg.

Where everything was shut (Freudian slip, I wrote "shit" at the first time of asking) too. Oh joy, 3 hours on a train to get to a town which was just as dead as Heidelberg. And it was grey and miserable too. Bleurrrgh.

We were all walking through the town, heading to some sort of crappy church or something, and I found myself walking with Sarah, an Irish girl who is insane and has a mad sense of humour. The "Asexual Rob" came up quite quickly in conversation (I think she was the one who originally came up with the name, but I haven't confirmed that one yet), and from there we ended flying off on a number of tangents, culminating in the discussion of worms.

Because worms, you see, have both sexual organs from birth, and are able to self-pregnate. This makes them kind of asexual, because they don't need to have sexual intercourse with other worms, but also makes them truly bisexual, since they have 2 sexes.

What made us laugh hysterically for 5 minutes was the fact that worms may have both sexual organs, but they have nothing to play with them with. No arms, no legs, no fingers and thumbs. How intensely frustrating that must be! It's like being given an entire year's supply of beer, but then having your mouth stapled together. It's just plain wrong.

Sarah then proceeded to do an impression of said worm, with her hands clasped tightly behind her back, and a forlorn look on her face as she stared down towards her crotch. The rooting of her feet to the ground and the slight swaying of the hips created the perfect image of a worm attempting to masturbate, believe me.

It was then we realised that worms aren't as stupid / unlucky as we had presumed, for what is that worms do all day long, every day? Why, they rub themselves through soil! And there we were thinking that they were just hunting for food. It turns out that not only humans and dolphins have sex for pleasure, but worms also, to some extent.

Those dirty, dirty worms! Geddit?!?!?! Dirty sexually, and dirty covered in mud?!?!?!?! Geddit?!?!!!!!? (with apologies to Glenda Slagg of Private Eye fame)

This then lead to the extension of my "asexual" nickname to that of "Asexual Worm". Nice. Sometimes I'm granted the status of a preceding "the", but usually no such recognition is forthcoming.

And so my nickname has been set. Usually I get a combination of Rob and Asexual Worm, but more often than not (especially if the girls are a bit pissed), I just get Asexual Worm. Cheers girls.

Oh, and I'm also called "Ass" by Sarah, but that's a story for another time.

As are the following little teasers:

Until tomorrow's hangover, then...

Monday, October 11

With Thanks

Firstly, a big thankyou to everyone who has emailed me over the last couple of days. You've set my mind at ease, and have enabled me to make the decision to continue with this blog.

Yes, thankyou, thankyou, thankyou, thankyou.

Saying that, I can't write anything now, because I've got to make some dinner before heading out for the 4th night of drinking in 5 days. And I was doing so well the week before last, managing 6 whole days with no alcohol! Oh well, such is the life I lead.

I will write something more substantial tomorrow, I PROMISE! I can already see myself spending an entire evening typing, because there's so much which needs to be posted here. Prepare yourself for a bit of an epic read on Wednesday morning. Wednesdays are slow days anyway, right?
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