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Wednesday, September 3

Actually Laughing Out Loud

Possibly the funniest headline ever at, a spoof news website. If you're British, you will find it a whole lot funnier, but non-Brits should get it too.

My Dog = Cute, Little Kids = Not; Charlton Heston = Poor Loser;

I've been stuck at home all day, not doing very much except a few more cleaning jobs. Man, my life sucks right now. Today was the turn of the toilets to feel the wrath of Rob. And I mean with a brush and Toilet Duck, not in any other sense.

Anyway, I've been playing with my dog for most of the day, mainly because he's been really annoying in constantly wanting attention. This is probably because I didn't take him out for a walk yesterday, so he was bored. I like messing around with my dog (unbiblical sense), he's good fun to play with. He's got this bedraggled squeeky monkey toy that he loves to bits, so I was chucking that around the living room for a while with him.

I managed to find time to take him out for a walk, but, as with all of this week, I forgot to take my CD player with me. Usually, I like to have tunes on, so I can just switch off the world around me, except when crossing the road. This past fortnight, I keep forgetting it, so my mind is always buzzing with random thoughts when I'm out with him. Today, a bunch of little kids made me think of the subject of paedophiles.

There's been a whole bunch of hysteria about paedophiles in the past few years here in the UK, especially when connected with the spawn of satan that is the internet. Don't ever, ever go to a chatroom kids! They're stock full of old men, wanting to meet up with you. Hell, even the government is bringing in a new law which makes "grooming" a serious offence. The problem here is that the definition giving to "grooming" (the practise of preparing a child to meet / have intercourse with an older man) in the proposed legislation is very, very wide, whereas the punishment for it is very hefty, without much room for manoeuvre (I hate spelling that word).

But that's not what I was thinking about. I was actually contemplating how a grown man could actually find young kids attractive. Let's look at the options:
a) a post-pubescent woman, with sexy curves and a knowledge of how to look attractive, coupled with no stigma from the rest of society for finding her attractive
b) a pre-pubescent, featureless young kid. oh, and a hell of a lot of criticism / abuse from society for finding them attractive.

I fall into the majority who choose option a, thank god. I really just don't understand how these people can have a mindset that finds young kids attractive. Meh, one of those things.

On a different tack now, I watched Bowling For Columbine, the Michael Moore documentary, today. It was very good, although I do feel that it was a little simplistic in its message and investigation of the main aspects. Yes, Moore wanted to make the point that guns are a big problem in the US, but I get the impression that the parts of interviews he used were only the ones which supported his view. Of course, this is what any journalist who is trying to make a point will do, but it seems a little overdone here. Also, a good journalist shouldn't ask leading questions, or at least a good journalist should not make his leading questions glaringly obvious. Unfortunately, in my opinion, Moore fails on both counts. The documentary is still worth watching, and Charlton Heston comes out of it with no credit whatsoever. Again, a personal opinion. I did like the statistics shown, although as any fule know, statistics are only used when they support the statement...

One final point, the MTV Video Music Awards have been all over MTV UK this weekend and into the midweek. I must admit to having watched them, as I did last year, the year before that, and probably a few more years-worth too. They are a great show, and very funny, but I would request that next year MTV nominates those videos that are actually good videos, rather than those which were most popular on TRL or whatever. Take, for instance, the video In Da Club by 50 Cent. A great song (off a great album), but the video wasn't worthy of being nominated, let alone picking up 3 awards. It had a half-decent start to it, with Eminem and Dr Dre training / building 50 Cent, but the other 3/4 were terrible. it was just like any other rap video: the rapper in a club with some bitches, and various camera angles all over the place. Not a great video.

The music video is truly an art form nowadays, just like the short film, the feature-length film, and even music itself. Eminem's Lose Yourself picked up an award too. For what? It's just footage from 8 Mile, interspliced with Eminem rapping to the camera, and a little bit of him on stage. That's not a good video, that's not even an original video! Good videos should be original, they should say something, and they should compliment the song. They should also be artistic.

My favourite music videos (hunt for them on Kazaa, unless you're in the CIA or RIAA. Your employers probably wouldn't appreciate their bandwith being munched for something they are trying to eradicate) include:

Tuesday, September 2

Alcohol, Violence, Football, Mowing The Lawn, Stunts And Gangsters

That would make a hell of a good film. And don't say I never warn you about the content of the rest of the post...

Another post in arrears I'm afraid, but hey, at least I tell everything EVENTUALLY.

Righty, starting where I left off last time, I said that I was going drinking on Saturday, starting early and getting paralytic. That never quite happened. We didn't actually start until gone 7 in the evening, rather than 2 in the afternoon, but at least we got going. It wasn't a particularly heavy night to begin with, just me and Eddie down one of or locals for a couple of pints. We met up with a few mates from school that we hadn't seen in a while, chatted away with them for a bit, then headed off to another pub.

One quick thing about the conversation at the first pub. A mate of mine, Robbie, was saying about how he went to Leeds for the festival recently, and that his favourite band there was The Darkness. He started saying how much he liked all of those kinds of band (Electric 6, Tenacious D, etc) because their music was ironically funny. Why the fuck would you want to listen to ironically funny music? I want to listen to good music, not crap music which is popular because it is ironic. Fuck that. It's strange, because usually it's me and Robbie against the rest of the world with regards to our musical tastes. We're pretty similar in most areas, which is why it's strange that we should be so polarised concerning this genre.

On with the rest of the night. We rolled into Buds around about 11.30, and found everybody else from our group of mates that we hadn't met up with already. A fair few bottles of WKD later, a few of us meandered over to the shots bar. Here, they have all kinds of weird and wonderful spirits for the low low price of 1. Hurrah. We lined up a few different ones (Soho, Advocaat, Dooley's) and knocked them back. Then we did the same again. *shudders at the thought of how many alcohol units were consumed* That Advocaat stuff is really nice actually, never tried that before.

The end of the night, and everybody made their way to Acropolis. I was sitting inside (which is the most cramped place imaginable), chatting away to another old schoolmate that I hadn't seen in a while, when some guy outside said something or other. Not sure if it was directed at me or what. I may even have been the first to say something, I'm not 100% sure. My mouth runs away with me when I've had a few, and I tend to get very sarcastic towards random people. Anyway, he threw himself through the doorway and went for me. My mate Phil leapt up and shoved him away, and they started squaring up to each other. A few people in Acropolis told them to take it outside, which made good sense since there wasn't room to swing a cat, never mind a fist.

They went a little way away from Acropolis, and I figured that I'd better go try and calm things down, since it was because of me that this whole situation erupted and escalated. This other guy tried to stop me going down there (I think he was mates with the aggressor), but I got it through to him that it was my fault, so I should go sort it out. He was cool with that, and I was just about to go down to where they were still squaring up to each other when another guy jumped in front of me. He was a lot more aggressive in telling me that I shouldn't go down there, but I tried to explain my reasoning again. I didn't swear at him, I didn't raise my voice or get angry, and I definitely didn't get physical with him.

So, he hit me in the face. Full-on punch to the left side of my face. It didn't knock me over, and I didn't hit back. It didn't even hurt to be honest, although it probably should have done. I'm hard, me (ahem). I think he wandered off or somebody pulled him away, whatever, but by that time Phil and the other guy had stopped whatever it was they were doing. It was then I remembered that I had ordered food in Acropolis and hadn't got it yet. Stupid boy. I went and got that (cheese and chips), and when I came back out, the first guy (you keeping track of all the guys?) was there offering to shake my hand. I took it, and that all got sorted out. I think the other guy (the one that hit me) shook my hand too, but not 100% on that one.

It turns out that the guy who hit me was called Bishop, and was known by everybody all over town to be a violent bastard. He'd been in jail a couple of times for assault, and had just recently got out. Seems I was very lucky not to get beaten to a pulp. Whatever.

I found my mates, and we did the usual end-of-night walk home. A good laugh, as it always is, and when I got home I was pretty sober. I jumped on the computer, went to RAGE and did one of my most insightful and intelligent posts ever (ahem *deflates ego*). For some reason, I was defending France, and criticising both the media and the US. That's been a pretty good debate, actually. Go to RAGE to read it, in the Politics section.

Sunday was a lazy day. No brusing on my face, probably as a consequence of the punch not hurting, thank God. That would have looked great, my entire left cheek being purple. I did some more housewifey things, and watched some football before going to play some football. My one submission to being fit that I do each week. I really enjoy it, playing with my mates and having a laugh about the previous night's events (we always play on a Sunday). You always get a couple of little bumps and bruises, but nothing major. Well, apart from nearly breaking my toe the other week. This time, Eddie chopped me down as I went past him, and now I have a beauty of a cut, bruise and lump on my shin. Bastard.

I was supposed to work all this week, doing the 8-5 shift, so I went to bed relatively early on Sunday. I woke up in the middle of the night, feeling completely exhausted for some reason, and I made the decision not to bother with work this week. Fuck it, Baileys screwed me over last week, I'll do it this week. It had something to do with a list of things that I have to do this week before my family get back (wash the car, mow the lawn, hoover everywhere, clean the toilets), and like I said, Baileys being bastards. I figured that it was around 5am that I made this decision, but when I got out of bed, I saw that it was closer to 3am. The reason why I was tired was because I had barely slept. Fuck it, I'd made a decision and I was going to stick to it.

A lie-in on Monday then. I like getting out of bed at midday, it's cool. Dossed around for an hour so, watching football highlights I think, then I finally got the energy to get my ass into gear. I mowed the lawn, did some more clothes washing, and dusted the living room. That's 3 from 10 jobs done so far. Tomorrow is hoovering and washing the car day. Possibly cleaning the toilets rather than the car of the weather is crap. Oh joy, toilets. It's been quite funny the past few times I've had the house to myself: The first time I was left alone, my Mum complained when she got back about the kitchen floor being nasty, and about the lack of washing that I had done. So, last time they went away, I made sure that the kitchen floor was clean and that most of the washing was done. She promptly complained about the toilets. Dammit. This time, I'm making sure that I get everything done. Except the ironing, because I can't iron for shit.

There was nothing decent on the TV tonight, so I popped down Blockbuster to get a couple of videos out. I grabbed the Jackass Movie and Bowling For Columbine. Eddie came round to watch Jackass, which was just as funny as in the cinema, but I had noticed that Pulp Fiction was starting at 11pm on a Movie Channel, so I sat down to watch that rather than Bowling For Columbine. Definitely worth it, that film is so, so good. I think that's the first time I had sat through it all in one go, even though I had seen all of it a few times before. I just like the way they keep going on about the "Royale with Cheese" in French McDonalds. Is this true? Anybody French visit this blog?

And that about sums it all up. *checks title to make sure he covered everything* Yep, sorted. It's 3am, time to go to bed. And next time, I promise I will post a lot more promptly, to save you the effort on reading a huge long post. Well done on finishing it if you've got this far.
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