Saturday, May 31Today has been a complete contrast of emotions. When I got in last night / this morning, around 4.30am, I was really depressed, so I wrote the following.
I am seriously thinking of seeing a counseller or a psychiatrist or somebody like that. I seem to have become a bit of a recluse recently, and I also think that I may be slightly depressed. I can think of a couple of reasons why, and I'd just like some advice on what to do. I don't think that I'd go for a series of sessions, I can't afford that, but one may help somewhat. Tonight, out at a club with a few friends, it got to a point where I just wanted to go home and cry for a while. No idea why, it just hit me like a tonne of bricks that my life is currently crap. No girlfriend, haven't pulled in over 6 months, still a virgin, doubting my friends' views of me, feeling left out of a number of things, always an outsider looking in on social things, used when it suits people, ignored when it doesn't, plus a whole host of other crap. Just looking at that list now makes me upset. I have a really crap life at the moment. I've lost touch with all but 1 or 2 of my closest friends from back home, and I don't have anybody that really replaces them. I feel alone up against the big bad world. I know I'm not the only one that feels like this, but it doesn't exactly help the situation. So, here I am pouring out my heart to a computer screen and keyboard, where only a number of anonymous people will read the words that I have written to express the way I feel. There's nobody in the "real" world who I can talk to about this, at least nobody I want to say this to. That's me though, I bottle everything up, and never let any emotions show. All men do this, but I think i'm fairly extreme with the way I handle things. I get the feeling that something truly awful has got to happen to let my emotions out. That's what happened 18 months ago. My Dad contracted cancer of the throat, had an operation and then a series of chemotherapy. Less than a week after he finished the chemo, my Nan died. I've never been particularly close to my Nan, but it hit me hard. I'd never known anybody to die before, which is a strange thing for an 18 year-old. After watching my Dad get incredibly weak and immobile, then to have somebody die, hits you like a steam train. My dad has always been a strong figure in my life. A success story, and somebody to look up to. To see him practically incapacitated on a hospital bed, with tubes and god-knows-what sticking out of him was something I could not cope with. I only went to see him once in hospital, and went with to chemo only a couple of times. I should have done more, but it completely destroyed me seeing him like that. You try to be strong, but nothing can come close to the feeling that you get when you get told that one of the people whom you hold most dear in the entire world has a good chance of dying. Of course, I went into denial for a bit, a textbook case, but you soon realise that it is a very real danger. After all of this, then to have my Nan die, well, it just screwed me up completely. I sat and cried myself to sleep a few times. Not just 10 minutes of crying, but an hour of just sobbing uncontrollably. But nobody ever knew I did this. My parents certainly didn't, and I didn't tell anybody about it. Bottling it up inside, you see? Anyway, that passage in my life is over now, but I can feel myself becoming more and more depressed and just sick of life generally. Nowhere near suicide, don't worry about that. I'm too much of a believer in no afterlife to want to end my life this soon. I'm still in my teens, for crying out loud. Life has to improve at some point, I just hope it's fairly soon. Much more of this depressed and crap existence I don't want. Like I said, I might see a counsellor or something. But, again, I probably won't tell anybody else about it, not even my parents. They'll just get really, really worried, and I don't want them to have to deal with this. I am 19, after all, not a little kid. Whether I like it or not, I've got independence now, which means no running back to the sanctity of home just because I've had a crap few months. I really don't want a course of anti-depressants though, I've seen what they do to people. Some of the side-effects include becoming more depressed, even suicidal, which surely defeats the point of taking anti-depressants in the first place... I wish there was just somebody here who I'd feel comfortable pouring out my heart to, and crying on their shoulder. In fact, never mind here, but someone, anywhere. That's a counsellor's job, so perhaps they are the right person. I do feel uncomfortable talking to random people about this kind of thing though. Which is why I'm able to put it into words through a computer, and hide behind the anonymity of the internet. I only know about 2 people who visit this site in real life, which makes it a lot easier to express they way I feel right now.
I don't want to re-read this, because I'll edit it and change it around. The above is a rambling monologue of the way that I feel at this point in time. Maybe at some point down the line I will be happier and write a different passage, but for now I'll just leave it as is. Welcome to the low point in my life.
After I wrote this, I listened to some music, then got into bed. Problem was, it was pretty much daylight by then, and I couldn't get to sleep. I kept thinking how cool this place I knew on Hampstead Heath would be to watch the sun rise, so I got out of bed, got dressed, grabbed a book and a bottle of water and started walking to the Heath, which is about 20 minutes away from where I live. I got lost, as per usual, but I'm so glad that I did, because I found the most idyllic spot imaginable.
I found a bench facing a big pond / lake, with the sun directly opposite. There was still mist / vapour over the pond, and the sun was just above the trees on the far bank. It was gorgeous. I took my shoes and socks off, rolled my jeans up, and promptly sat there for 3 hours, watching the various people and their dogs go past, reading my book and just generally relaxing.
Eventually I walked back to my halls, had a quick shower and some breakfast before leaving again to go to my local park. I should mention at this point that it is the hottest day of the year so far (high 20s) and there is barely a cloud in the sky. I'm writing this the old-fashioned way (pen and paper) in the park right now, soaking up some rays. Obviously by you reading this, I've typed it up...
One little thing which amused me on the way to the park: I had to pop into a supermarket to pick up some sun-cream, but there was this woman outside who asked me to spare a minute. She went to hand me a leaflet, which I saw straight away was a Christian-type thing. I'll just dig it out of my bag now. Here we go: "The Pursuit of God Conference." I instantly said that I don't believe in any religious stuff, which the woman seemed pretty taken aback at. She then asked if she could just develop this a little. I was in no particular rush, so I let her say her thing. She asked me if I believed that there was no reason for us being here, which I said yes to. She then said that there were a lot of people who believed otherwise, which I replied to by saying that there is their choice, as my belief is mine. I started to say that I was a nihilist or an existentialist, but she began going on about how God sacrificed his only son to save the human race. I said that I had been to a Church of England school, so I knew about all of that, but had rejected it. That shut her up, but she still gave me a leaflet and asked me to think about it. Like a chance encounter with a religious nut who gives out leaflets is going to make me become a devout Christian...
Just the sounds of the mini zoo, planes flying overhead and general people making background noise.
Friday, May 30
I am fed up with hypocrites. Tonight, I was sat in the Student Union bar in my halls of residence with a few friends from my floor when 3 of the girls started bitching about another girl who was in the bar. This other girl just happened to be one of my best friends, but she wasn't sat with us, instead socialising with a different group of friends. The 3 girls from my floor went on and on about how she was ugly, and made a whole host of other bitchy comments about her. Not until I mentioned that she was in fact one of my best friends did they stop. Then they tried to make up for it by saying that they didn't really mean it, and that they were only joking.
To be honest, I am offended by the stuff they said. I love Elena to bits, and she is one of my favourite people in the whole world. They just ripped her to shreds without her even hearing what they said. The worst part is that once I'd said that I knew her, they changed tact completely. What in the world gives them the right to be that bitchy and offensive about somebody, never mind if somebody knows that person or not? Just because I know her, that means their entire view of her, which they put forward bluntly and honestly, was in fact just a joke. I don't think so. I am completely fed up with the kind of person that bitches about people who they don't know, but won't say anything about those they know or those that are a friend of somebody to whom they're talking. You do not have the right to say that sort of thing about anybody, never mind if you know them or not.
I was close to tears by the time I got back in my room, purely because I regarded these 3 girls as my friends, if not my closest friends. To now find out, after a year of living with them, that they are like this makes me wonder just how many times they have been like this before. Do they bitch about me behind my back? Do they bitch about other people on our floor, or other people they see in the bar? I severely doubt that this is a one-off, because I've been with them a few times before in the kitchen when they've been talking about people who are not part of their immediate circle of friends. Let's just say that it's not always 100% praise.
I don't pretend that I'm not like that in some respects. The easiest way to talk about somebody is behind their back, when they're not around. I pray that I am not as offensive as they are though, and I hope that nobody has been as offended by my words as I have been tonight by theirs. Perhaps in this way I am hypocritical as well, but so be it. Everybody is, but some are more hypocritical than others.
Wednesday, May 28
I stand by my record of not getting out of bed before 12.30pm on any day since last Friday. To that end, I'd like to thank the following people for making all of this possible: my roommate Patrick for wearing headphones and being generally quiet; Matt, Chris, Lee, Pete, Alex and Rosa for being there late at night, having a few beers with me and generally chewing the cud until the wee small hours each night; the cleaner, or not making a huge amount of noise when hoovering the corridor each morning; Julian, my next-door neighbour, for also being a lazy git and not playing any music to wake me up; and finally Bradley, who lives above me, for not playing any loud music until well after I get out of bed. I thank you all, keep it real!!
Last night was a prime example. As you can see from the posts below, I didn't leave the computer room until gone 2.30am, but when I got back to my floor, Matt and Chris were still up in the kitchen. Chris was fairly inebriated (he has these weird eyes that go all bulbous after a couple of beers, really quite funny), and Matt had had a couple, but we ended up talking very advanced theoretical physics, referencing constantly to Stephen Hawking's book, which we somehow had a copy of... From string theory and p-dimensions, we moved on to how we're all complete non-believers religiously, and base everything we see on science. If it can't be proven by science, we don't accept it. Somehow this led on to an in-depth discussion of the Matrix and Reloaded.
WARNING - spoilers for Matrix Reloaded contained in the following paragraphs. Matt has sort of come to the conclusion that the "real" world that Neo, etc live in from which they are plugged into the Matrix is in fact another Matrix. The actual real world is outside of that Matrix, and there is a double illusionary reality. This is based on Neo's powers at the end of the film where he says that he "feels" the Sentinels. The inner Matrix has had a number of "The One"s as the Architect says, but to my mind there has never been a "The One" in the outer Matrix, which means that Neo may be able to defeat the machines in that Matrix, and free the human race into the real world.
Another point about the Matrix. We are told that the humans blotted out the sky with nukes in order to stop the machines using solar power, and that the machines then imprisoned the humans in the pods in order to use their inherent biochemical power to power themselves. But surely the humans also needed some electric power from somewhere too? Did they not aid the machines in building these pods so that the humans can get some power? Certain humans imprisoned other humans in order to use their electric power...
Anyway, enough of that for now. If you haven't seen Reloaded yet, do it now. Drop everything and run to your nearest cinema... NOW!
Disturbed - Prayer
Papa Roach - Gouge Away
Arch Enemy - Shadows And Dust
Static-X - Structural Defect
Big List O' Questions
(1) The singular boring question: What is your name? Robert Hamilton
(2) If you had been born a member of the opposite sex, what would your name have been? Probably Katy, like my little sister
(3) Would you name a child of yours after you? Possibly, I'm named after my Dad
(4) If you had to switch first names with a friend of yours, who would you switch with? Ummm, I always liked Dominic as a name, but I don't know anyone called Dominic. This is a stupid question, I can't think of any
(5) What's the way people most often mispronounce any part of your name? Sometimes people mishear my name as Ron. I hate that
(6) If you were to become famous, would you drop your last name (like Madonna, Cher, Roseanne)? Nah, I like the way Rob Hamilton rolls off the tongue.
DEEP THEOLOGICAL QUESTIONS
(7) Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell? Nope, not in any way
(8) Do you think God has a gender? Nope, because he doesn't exist
(9) Do you think science counteracts religion? Definitely. Science is my religion.
(10) Do you believe in organized religion? I believe in talking with people, but not in an organised religion sense
(11) Where do you think we go when we die? Nowehere. We just cease to exist
(12) Do you feel a little funny thinking about the questions in this section? Nah, I think about this sort of stuff a fair bit.
(13) How easy is it to make you laugh? Pretty easy, I'm a fairly humourous guy.
(14) What person you know makes you laugh the most? Chris usually makes me chuckle, but often unintentionally...
(15) Do you laugh at jokes you know you shouldn't? Far too often. Dead baby jokes are the funniest!
(16) Do you tell jokes you know you shouldn't? Yep, my kind of humour.
(17) What words instantly make you laugh or at least smile? "Bottom," purely because of a few times in Biology...
(18) What do you think is the funniest thing you've ever said or written? Ummm, can't think of any right now, but I have had my rare moments of wit and insightful genius.
(19) Do you ever dance to music when nobody's watching? Yep, all the time. Especially headbanging to metal music.
(20) What is/are the worst song(s) you have ever heard? Anything by S Club Juniors. Or the Cheeky Girls. Or Blue. Or in fact any pre-packaged teen-pop crap.
(21) What song(s) do you wish you could understand a little better? Street Spirit by Radiohead. Indecipherable lyrics, but a fantastic song. Actually, any Radiohead song full stop.
(22) What song(s) are constantly in your head? Ummm, Killing In The Name Of by RATM for one. Kashmir by Led Zeppelin is another.
(23) What song(s) do you think describe your personality best? Christ knows. I listen to so much eclectic music it's difficult to determine my personality. How about "Just Don't Give A Fuck" by Eminem?
(24) If you were to serenade the object of your affections, which song(s) would you use? Ghetto Romance by Damage or Peaches and Cream by 112. Slow, cool R'n'B tunes.
(25) If the object of your affections were to serenade you, what song(s) would you hope he or she used? Either of those two, or something slow like that.
(26) What movie(s) do you love that nobody else seems to? Cube, but that's probably because nobody else has heard of it. Maybe Star Trek:Generations, but that's because I used to be a Trekkie. I seem to have enjoyed Matrix Reloaded more than my mates too.
(27) Do you agree with the idea that sequels are always worse than the original? Generally yes, but there's always exceptions: Empire Strikes Back, Godfather II, Scary Movie 2, T2, Police Academy 3 (!)
(28) Who's your favorite Star Wars character? Han Solo, he's the man.
(29) What kind of movie do you think there should be more of? Cube and Battle Royale. They're about character interaction, but are set in extreme situations in order to bring out the characters...
(30) What movie(s) do you simply not understand the appeal of? Romantic comedies, like Runaway Bride. Did that film ever suck?!
(31) When eating, are you more concerned with taste or healthiness? Taste, but thankfully my roommate's mum is a dietician, so we tend to eat healthily anyway
(32) What's your favorite kind of cheese? Cheddar. Extra Strong Cheddar
(33) What do you think your answer to the previous question reveals about your personality? Ummm, something subconscious, I imagine
(34) If you knew exactly what went into Chinese food, hamburger meat, etc., would you still eat it? Probably. Fast food is quick and easy, so it'll never go away. I might change my views soon though, because I'm just about to read Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser
(35) Do you ever feel guilty eating meat? Never
(36) Mac or PC? Always a PC. Macs are just too unwieldy...
(37) How much do you actually care about the inner workings of your computer, as long as it works? A lot. I'm a geek at heart, and computers are my speciality.
(38) Do you ever begin preferring IMs to other forms of conversation? Sometimes the anonymity is cool, plus you can do more things with IM, but give me face-to-face any day
(39) Do you find you're different talking through IMs than face-to-face or on the telephone? Nah, I generally type the same as I talk...
(40) Have you ever ended bid on something on eBay and regretted it later? Never bought anything on Ebay. Been tempted too many times though
THE BATTLE OF THE SEXES
(41) Have you ever wished you could experience being the other gender? God yes. I'd just take photos of myself all day long!
(42) What do you love most about the other gender? I'm a breasts man, to be honest, but lately I've found myself enjoying the smell of various perfumes...
(43) What do you dislike most about the other gender? They're not with me...
(44) What do you understand least about the other gender? Everything. How they choose a guy, for example...
(45) Do you sometimes see a movie or watch a show just because a good-looking celebrity is in it? Sometimes. I watch certain movies over and over again for certain scenes.
(46) What celebrity's autograph do you want most? No-one's. A photo would be nice.
(47) Have people ever said you looked like a celebrity, and if so, who? Apparently I look like Dawson around the eyes..
(48) If there was to be a movie about you, who do you think should play you (in personality, looks or both)? Me.
(49) Does it ever annoy you when you know someone is a celebrity but you can't remember why? Never had that problem. Nowadays you can be fanous just for being famous.
(50) If you could enter any celebrity's mind like in "Being John Malkovich", whose would you enter? Heidi Klum's, then just stare at myself in the mirror all day.
(51) Do you want to be John Malkovich? For his money and all-round coolness, yep
(52) Do you laugh when you hear or read the number 69? Maybe a quiet little smirk to myself
(53) Were you lying about your answer to the previous question? Nope
(54) Do you actually know your Social Security Number? Yeah, I know my NI number off the top of my head
(55) Do you actually know your IP address? Nope, I use loads of different computers
(56) Do you know what an IP address is? Yeah, it's the address of your computer regarding the Internet
(57) Do you know the four-character extension on your ZIP code? What the hell?
(58) Ever thought there were too many numbers floating around in our lives? Nah, I'm good with numbers, got that sort of brain.
(59) Does your head begin to hurt when you think of infinity, imaginary numbers, irrational numbers, etc.? Nope, I'm a mathematician at heart and mind.
(60) What do you think of pi? It's needed for maths, whether you like it or not...
LOVE, SEX AND ALL THAT
(61) Did you get a little frightened or uncomfortable seeing this as a section title? Nope, not particularly
(62) If someone you had no interest in dating expressed interest in dating you, how would you feel? No problems, just keep their distance from me!
(63) Do you prefer getting to know someone first before dating them or going in "blind"? Ummm, either or.
(64) Could you carry on a relationship with someone with the same first name as a family member? Yeah, what does that matter?
(65) Have you ever wished it was more "socially acceptable" for a girl to ask a guy out? Sort of, but I quite like being chivalrous, holding doors open, buying drinks and the like.
(66) What's your opinion on sex without emotional commitment? Sex is sex. Love is better
(67) Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive? Nope, I tend to go for lookers
(68) Do you think the opposite sex finds you good-looking? No idea. I think it's best not to ask, in case you don't like the answer
(69) Would you be willing to give up sex in exchange for an emotional commitment you knew would last? Ummm, no idea. It's never come up
(70) Do you think the number of the last question was a coincidence? Possibly
(71) What is your favorite possession? I love my CD Walkman, and also my denim jacket. And my CDs. And m books. And just about everything I own. But I think my favourite is my mobile phone. I'm lost without it.
(72) What physical, tangible possession do you want most? A BMW 5 or 7 series
(73) How badly do you want it? Quite a bit. Call it a long-term goal.
(74) Have you ever seen 'The Exorcist'? Yeah, seriously cool and scary film
(75) How long did it take you to understand why the last question is in this section? No time at all. The person before me got it really quickly...
(76) Does Christmas music too far away from Christmas annoy you? Ohhhh yes. Mr Blobby anyone?
(77) How old do you think you will be before you stop liking getting older? 30. Maybe 40. Maybe never
(78) What was the best Halloween costume you ever had? A convict's uniform when i was about 9. It rocked.
(79) What was the worst Halloween costume you ever had? When I made a gunshot wound on my forehead.
(80) What holiday do you think has still managed to retain its original meaning? None, they're all now ruled by the card companies!
(81) There are currently no federal holidays during August- what should be put there? Speak for yourself. We Brits have one.
(82) How good is your short-term memory? Average to bad.
(83) How good is your long-term memory? Brilliant, to be honest.
(84) What is your earliest memory? Ummm, going to hospital to see my mum when my little sister was born I was 4.
(85) What is your happiest memory (other than recieving this survey)? Just being with my friends back home, at various times
(86) What is your strangest memory? Falling off of the stage during a school play. Or this single line from Transformers The Movie
(87) What song, movie, etc. do you wish you could memorize? American Beauty. The entire series of Simpsons. Loads of stuff
(88) What movie makes/made you cry? American Beauty. Armageddon, for some reason. Deep Impact too.
(89) What book makes/made you cry? The Green Mile by Stephen King is the only book I've ever cried at.
(90) What song makes/made you cry? Slow, melodic songs like "For My Fallen Angel" by My Dying Bride get me a little choked, but nothing in particular.
(91) What makes/made you laugh so hard you cried? Probably Series 2 of The Office when David Brent steps out from behind his desk wearing the ostrich outfit...
THREE TRULY RANDOM QUESTIONS
(92) Would you like to be cloned? Nope, he might end up being a nicer guy than me
(93) Do you wish you could be alive when the world was ending, just to experience it? Yeah, if the whole world is ending, you might as well experience it...
(94) Scaramouche, scaramouche, will you do the fandango? Thunderbolts and lightning: very very frightening.
(95) Do you think that one hundred and one questions is too long? Nah, some pretty good questions buried in there..
(96) Do you think the one hundred interesting questions actually were interesting? Yeah
(97) Are you sorry you began filling it out? Nope, I needed to kill some time anyway
(98) What question do you wish it had asked? What is your life goal?
(99) How would you have answered it? To live in New York, and to walk the Great Wall of China.
THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT QUESTIONS
(100) When was the last time you let the people you love know you love them? Fairly recently. Probably the last time I spoke to my mum
(101) What do you want the people who are reading this survey to know? That I like getting readers. And cheques.
All The Fun Of The Fair
OK, so yesterday (Monday) evening, I went to a funfair with a few friends. I was expecting a really crappy affair, like the ones I'm used to back home in Melksham, but I was pleasantly surprised. This one had some half-decent rides, and was fairly reasonably priced. I guess it was both "fun" and "fair." I'd love to claim credit for that hilarious joke, but it was my mate Chris'. The rides were pretty good, like I said, especially this twirly upside-down one. You're strapped into a seat on the edge of a circle, looking towards the centre, then the whole circle starts spinning. That's not too bad, just a bit of G-force pressing you against the back of the seat. Then it starts to tip and go upside down and all over the place, all the time spinning. I couldn't stop manically laughing all the way through, it was wicked fun. The next ride wasn't quite as good, but it made you feel really hungover because it spun you whilst bouncing you quite harshly. I had a bitch of a headache after that, hangover-esque, plus my stomach didn't feel 100% settled. All good fun though.
What made that night better was that when we got back to the halls we watched Godfather Part II. I'd seen the first one before Christmas, but the second one is even better. It was the only sequel ever to win a Best Picture Oscar, and it blatantly deserved it. Beautifully shot, incredibly acted, and with some great plotlines. The switching between Michael Corleone in 1958 to Vito Corleone in 1917 was done fantastically well, and blended perfectly. I'm going to use the old football journalism cliche now and say that there are simply not enough superlatives to describe this film.
Today (Tuesday) was a much more boring day. A long session on Champ, which I'm incredibly addicted to, followed by a bit of watching The Day Today on video. The Day Today was Chris Morris' first TV programme, and also featured Steve Coogan's first appearance as Alan Partridge. It's a genius bit of satirical comedy, and is quite surreal in parts. I had never heard of Chris Morris before coming to uni, but now I love all of the stuff he has done. Brass Eye is probably the funniest, especially the "Cake" episode, whereas Jam is the most disturbingly dark programme he has done. All works of incredible genius though.
Orbital - Halcyon (Live)
Mudvayne - Under My Skin
Rasputina - Transylvanian Concubine
Evanescence - Bring Me To Life
Monday, May 26
A quick post. Just checking my site stats, and I saw that somebody (an australian) came to this site by searching for "rapper kingpinn zimbabwe" at yahoo. Genius. I attract some very random people.
I have a very dull life
I've kind of realised just how dull an uninspiring my life is at the moment. Since my exams have finished, I've found myself with very little to do, so most of my days are spent reading, playing on the computer, surfing the web or just doing fuck-all. Which does have its good points, but also can get quite repetetive after a while. Alcohol seems to be taking a back seat as well, I'm just not that bothered about drinking any more. This is a very strange feeling for me, usually I'm up for a few beers at all hours of the day.
Saying that though, we did go out for a couple last night. Ye Olde Swiss Cottage was the pub. You know it's going to be a good pub when it has a name which includes "Ye Olde." We had a couple of pints there, then came back to the halls, where a few more beers were consumed. We watched Labyrinth in a mate's room too. That film is really trippy when you're mildly inebriated... Yes, that's what the British taxpayers' money goes on: beer and crap films on DVD.
Led Zeppelin - Kashmir
Insolence - Natural High
RHCP - Scar Tissue
Xzibit - Enemies