Thursday, March 18
The Decision(s)
Decision 1
OK, I'm assuming here that you've read the epic pair of posts from the past few days. If not, go read the sections entitled The Girl and The Workload before you carry on reading this. It'll make so much more sense.
Last Wednesday (the 10th), I made a decision which could very probably have fucked things up royally between myself and Girl. Whether things are fucked up permanently or just for a shorter period remains to be seen.
I'd been toying with the decision for about 48 hours, and eventually made it in the evening at around 8pm. It took me until nearly 10.30 to finally ring Her and tell her though.
What was the decision, I hear you ask? Well, dear devoted reader, I shall tell you.
What I asked Her consent / agreement to was to put absolutely everything bewtwen us on hold for 2 weeks whilst I tried to do all of my outstanding coursework and essays.
Yes, in hindsight a spectacularly uninspired and perhaps damaging move, but a decision taken nonetheless.
The reasoning behind it? I reckon it went something like this:
Although we hadn't spent an enormous amount of time together up until that point, I could tell that it was steadily increasing as the budding relationship blossomed. If that happened, I knew that I'd get so distracted from my studies that the work would just never get done.
I really couldn't take that chance. As much as I really like (love?) Her, I want / need to pass this yearof my degree. I will need to do these essays in order to accomplish this.
So, I rang Her.
She didn't take it brilliantly, although who would / could? The timing wasn't exactly exceptional either, what with it being the night before Her birthday and all.
It probably didn't help that She'd had a few drinks when I rang Her, but let's be sure about this: I do not blame Her in any way whatsoever for reacting like that, or for reacting full stop. There's just no way I can blame anyone except myself for being told that I'm "no better than all of the other guys". I'm not, I'm a guy, I can't help that.
I'm different in that I'm me. I'm not those other guys. And I don't want to be.
We hung up on pretty bad terms (OK, so very bad terms), and I have to admit that I came close to being in tears as I went to bed.
I'm not sure whether I was more upset at myself for killing off pretty much the first good thing in my life for a very long time, or at Her for perhaps not being as understanding as I'd hoped. I thought that because She liked me as much as She said She did, She would maybe be willing to take this small break in proceedings. Again though, I refuse to blame Her for this. It just would not be right to do so.
I couldn't face Thursday. I have a lecture with Her on a Thursday, followed immediately by a class with a couple of Her close friends, and I was definitely not in the mood for them. So, I hid from everything in my room and brooded. In hindsight, that wonderful analytical device, I probably should have at least rang or texted Her to wish Her a Happy Birthday, but meh.
On Friday, things seemed to improve somewhat. She texted me, to see what (if anything) was going on between us, and mentioned (apologised, perhaps?) that She was quite "alcohol-fuelled" when I rang Her on Wednesday night.
We seemed to sort things out, and are back on good terms so long as I "kiss [Her], even if it's just a peck on the lips" next time I see Her. I can cope with that, and I'm very glad that She doesn't hate me or anything.
Decision 2
This is less of a decision to do a positive act, more of a declaration of an intention to continue an ongoing act.
It refers to here, what you are reading right now. I have always been 100% honest with what I write here, and I don't want to change that.
It has become a little more difficult to write openly since I told Her about its existence, but I reckon that the last few posts have vanquished any anxiety that I was feeling. He says...
It was whilst I was on the phone to Her early last week that I came up with a sentence that is a good summary of the way in which I choose to write. The sentence?
"I disavow all editorial content."
I know that it sounds like I've disappeared up my own ass as I wrote that, but let me take a few moments to explain why I wrote it and what it means.
The basic principle it highlights is that I do not go back and edit anything I write once it has been written. The way I feel about this is that once you begin to edit something that has been written, you are attempting, however subconsciously, to present an image of yourself.
I don't want to present an image of myself or to show myself in a permanently positive light, I just want to present myself, to lay myself bare here and to let you make up your own minds about me.
No doubt some things that I have written here will have made you think that I'm a whinging, spineless nobody, but hopefully other things will have made you think that I'm a nice guy.
I could be both, I could be neither. I'm just me.
So basically, this was less of a decision to do something, but a reassertion to and by myself that all of my posts here are the absolute truth, and it is only very, very rarely that I don't write about something that has occurred in my life or happened to me.
So sleep easy tonight, children.
